A New Reality
Thursday after the diagnosis was dark. The uncertainty hit me hard. What would me dying look like for my wife? What would this mean for my kids? What is going to happen to this beautiful church I founded and lead? What is dying like?
There was no running away. I faced the questions head on.
I knew I needed to find stability in my Jesus. But my ability to recognize his presence and “get it” was greatly impaired. I saw nothing but wreckage from the storm that made landfall in my life. As I made phone call after phone call with family or dear friends, the story was becoming more and more real. We would not be getting out of this. It was not a bad dream. One of my main emotions this day was exhaustion. I was not physically tired, but I was exhausted from carrying this heavy weight.
New Reality
Brain cancer had become my new reality.
One of the challenging parts of becoming a cancer guy was that we had to figure out what cancer doctor we were going to use? Initially, that didn’t sound too hard. Just go where the doctor wants you to go. That should be easy enough.
But it wasn’t that easy. So many great friends made helpful suggestions, and I quickly found myself struggling with my people pleasing tendencies. I have fought internally about what people think about me for years. I wanted to hear all these people. I know they love me a ton. But I also knew it was my decision. I could use my head and figure it out. I decided that I would definitely be disappointing somebody. Learning the beautiful art of disappointing others is really hard for many of us. I would make this decision after hearing a ton of counsel, and trusting Jesus’ voice to help provided clarity in the process.
But how would this happen?
We met the physicians. They were fantastic, super professional and very dedicated. I thought they were very smart. The biggest way they served us was to help us understand the standard protocol of treatment for Glioblastoma. We received excellent education. My son, Josh, and friend, Josiah, joined us on that first visit. We all put our heads together and began wondering how to make this decision.
The weekend was coming. We were feeling powerfully loved by so many friends through texts and calls. My kids had also been around the house nearly every day since the surgery, and the hugs and conversations were so meaningful. Saturday was filled with great meetings, an MU basketball game with Mike, Kyle and an old dear friend, Matt Flener. Sunday’s church service was another encouraging highlight, it was amazing singing worship to my King and having the chance to visit many friends.
“The uncertainty hit me hard. What would me dying look like for my wife? What would this mean for my kids?”
Lunch after the service was another special moment of the weekend. Pastor Garrett, whom we sent to Fort Collins, CO just 6 months ago on a church plant, came back to help with our crisis. He and I had a very, very therapeutic lunch. We processed all kinds of things and really helped each other. You see, we worked together for 18 years through all kinds of hard things. We were ready by God’s power to tackle this.
God was delivering comfort through His people. I could tell I was regaining strength and perspective. I was refueling in the Lord’s power.
What is relational capital worth? When we build strong, long term deep relationships, they come in handy down the road when deep crisis strikes!
The challenge of selecting a cancer care and treatment partner was anything but easy. We did however come up with some solid criteria to help inform our decision. Innovative, integrative and teamwork ended up being the words we used to evaluate a partner. Again, I thought it was the Lord helping me come up with those keywords. Ultimately, we decided to go with MD Anderson in Houston, TX, as our cancer care team.
A New Normal
Psalm 16 jersey my good friends the Harre’s made me.
As of today, I am beginning to feel more stable in most aspects of looking ahead with my new life with brain cancer. When I say stable I do not mean comfortable, I do not mean I understand it all, I do not say I am worry free. But stable does mean that by the strength I believe only comes from God, I can stand.
The scripture I have been holding onto very tightly from the outset has been Ps. 16:5. It says, “You have assigned me my portion and my cup, You have made my lot secure.” It is a prayer that King David wrote some 3,000 years ago. When he uses the word “you,” He is referring to His God. He trusted a God who made all the assignments. He uses the words portion and cup to summarize his circumstances. For me that means He at least allowed my cancer. I see it as my assignment. I have no idea why He does what He does. But David’s latter comment about making his lot secure is intriguing.
He trusted that no matter what his God assigned, he must be secure.