Amy's Perspective
I’m so sad and mad right now! I had plans for my future! I had plans for John and my future together! I had thoughts about how we would grandparent our future grandchildren and where we would take them on vacations. John and I were going to grow old together.
The majority of my life I have been so blessed! I didn’t want things to change. Now what am I going to do? As I wake up each morning I feel the heaviness come over me again. It never seems to leave me. I don’t want it! I don’t want my new reality! But what can I do? We can’t change this reality.
The other day I experienced flu-like symptoms. I was even more down than my normal present reality. I was afraid I would have to stay away from John because my sickness could affect him. We can’t afford for him to get sick. This worry about me getting John sick was just an additional burden on me.
Now what am I going to do? The thoughts about how our lives could be worse flood me. Our lives could be way worse right now. For some reason, that thought has greatly encouraged me. Most people in the world experience death of loved ones regularly due to their life situations. I do have a lot to be thankful for.
“My pain.
It’s so real. I don’t like pain.
I try to avoid it.
Would I have done life differently to avoid it.
Would I have married John knowing what I know now?
All this pain.
Yes!
Daddy and Mommy, can’t you make it all go away?
Just hold me again and say that I don’t have to walk through this.
Yes!
I would choose it again!”
My heavenly Father has been so good to me! Isaiah 41:10 encourages me, “So do not be afraid, for I am with you; do not be discouraged, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will hold you with My victorious right hand”. The creator of the universe is with ME! Wow! He knows my present and my future. He is strong and is the One who has me safely held in His hands.
A few weeks ago as we were in the beginning of this journey, I was standing near a pond waiting for John to finish his appointment. I had to get out of that hospital room so I fled to the pond. I talked to Jesus about this situation. I wanted to feel His nearness and find out where He was right now. I told Him that I was too weak to cling to Him and I sensed Him say “I am clinging to you right now”. What a great comfort it was for me to hear those reassuring words from Him. I am thankful for His nearness!