Another Torn Day
I find it very interesting that I can simultaneously be at peace and also be fearful. That must sound like I am crazy. Grieving is just like that, messy and inconsistent. Yesterday, I ate poison on purpose. Chemo is designed to kill. We just hope it kills the cancer more than it kills me. Of course the chemo is my best bet. But I was still a bit hesitant to put those 2 capsules in my mouth and swallow them. It was just another step into the reality of my Glioblastoma cancer.
Amy and I are trying to do one day at a time but I am clearly torn. I feel many conflicting things at the same time. We are: enjoying each other, enjoying the sunshine, enjoying my in-law’s visit, enjoying food, and befriending everyone in our paths that the Lord bumps us into.
My idea today is to look at the dashboard of my life with you. Often times, in mentoring meetings, I will grab a napkin and scribble out a custom made dashboard with a handful of meters on it. Meters? Yes, Speedometer, Fuel, Stressors, Emotional Capacity, Spiritual Meter, Rest and Relational Closeness are just a few of the categories I write on the napkin. I write whatever I feel like asking. I then ask my friend to write on the napkin where they are on these different meters. Taking an assessment of where we are is helpful to our soul, it gives us a few clues as to where God might be working in their life. I wonder if me describing to you a dashboard of my own life today could be helpful to you and me both? Here is where I’m at with just a few meters.
Relational Closeness (9.5 / 10)
This morning I feel very close to my wife. Amy and I have talked deeply about so many things the last couple weeks. Those hard scary conversations make me feel closer to her. We have had hundreds of these talks, but the level of heaviness these last couple weeks is unparalleled. Nonetheless, we are deeply bonded.
We had a good conflict about how to ride the tandem bicycle the other day that resulted in us being way closer after it was resolved. Some of you are laughing, but just you try riding a tandem, it is a conflict waiting to happen. We have also been drenched with piles and piles of deep affection from friends and family. I am not sure I have ever felt more loved than I do right now. Isn’t that strange? I am in the most painful trial of my life and completely feel loved and surrounded by so many. Love is truly what we hunger for more than anything. So many friends and loved ones have come alongside us and we know that we are not in this alone. Jesus has again worked sweetly through His people.
Emotional Strength (5 / 10)
I would say I am up and down. The meter has been wandering all over the dashboard. I am mostly encouraged. I am not detached. I am fearful some, I am hopeful, I am sad, and I am happy. My happiness feels real but also tempered with a reality of brokenness. Death is most likely somewhere out there for me, waiting and lurking, which we know, at least statistically.
The word “contentment” was on my radar yesterday in which Philippians 4:11-13 talks all about. I read it a handful of times yesterday. The word “learned” also affected me. I think I have learned contentment at some level, even though I do not want to be in this nasty trial, I am. I am in it and I am more and more content. I see the sweet hand of God all around me.
Speed (4 /10)
I have been going way, way slower these last days. One strange thing is that my “to do” list now is pretty small! That is very different from the past 29 years. I am still slowly learning to ramp the rpm’s down and not be hurried. The hospital setting is a great place to learn this patience. That is really funny!
Final Thought
I was thinking about writing a spiritual meter and a physical meter, but I have written enough. So, I wonder about you. Maybe you can grab a napkin or some piece of paper and write a few meters on it? Sleep, rest, pace, laziness, temptation are a few more meters you could ponder. The game plan of all this is not just to be self-focused but to reflect so we might see what God is trying to do in our lives. Most likely we have some adjusting to do. Where might God be at work, and where might you and I need to adjust? I think I still need to keep sitting quietly to listen to His voice. Sit! Be Quiet! Be Comforted by Him! This is what I am hearing. What about you?